Confession
by Isskar
Summary: Simon's slow spin out of control and Mal coming to terms with how he's going to fix it.


**Confession**

Simon knows that it is so easy to let Mal fuck him. To let Mal push him gently onto his bunk with a strained whisper of "Then don't wake up your sister". It is so easy to look him in the eye as he slowly unbuttons his vest, then his shirt for Mal. He even laughs sometimes, quietly and quickly, when he thinks how easy it is to look Mal in the face the mornings after, how easy it is to act normally.

It is easy to tense his arms against the mattress and relax the rest of his body back against Mal's slow tilt into him. He really never thought that it would be this simple but it is. It wasn't rough; there were no bruises or scratches to hide in the morning. Every night, Mal slowly destroys all his defenses and leaves him feeling an ache so deep inside him that he knows it isn't physical.

It was so easy to give Mal everything Simon knew that he wanted, easy to ignore that this was not what he himself wanted. No matter how Mal approached him; quietly, face to face just inside the door of his room, intentionally not in his personal space, or quickly, rough, already hard against the small of Simon's back in the infirmary with Mal's fist in his hair. Not once was it difficult to ignore Mal when he begged "Don't let me do this to you. Tell me you don't want this."

Simon had not been this tired since residency; and back then it had taken him two months to reach the stage he had now reached after barely three weeks. It was fine though, or so he told himself. He drank coffee at breakfast instead of tea, hoping the others did not notice the strange looks River gave him or the furrow in her brow the morning he first went to refill his cup. It was also the morning that he took the stims from their place in the back of the top cupboard and left them in the second drawer. They sat there a mere day before he broke down. The small vial was in his hand as he felt the movement of air at his back.

"What're you doing?" Mal's voice, as always, was closer than he expected.

"Just reorganizing. You know I like things," he let out a small sigh of resignation and pleasure as Mal's hand ran down the side of his neck, "tidy."

"Yeah," Mal agreed quietly, "I do." He leaned forward then, the side of his face pressing against Simon's neck.

"Please," he breathed, his voice almost a sob, "don't let me do this to you." His body, as always, spoke otherwise. Once arm was wrapped high across Simon's chest, the other hand was fumbling with the buttons of the vest and shirt trying to reach the smooth, hot skin underneath.

Carefully, Simon turned in Mal's grasp and took his face between his hands. Mal's eyes were closed as if to say 'if this will be the night you finally say no, I don't want to see it happening.'

Softly, methodically, Simon pressed his lips to each of Mal's closed eyes, willing them to open. As Mal tilted his face upwards to catch Simon's lips with his own, his eyes remained closed. Their lips moved slowly over each others; full, wet kisses that betrayed much to anyone who had the eyes to see. Mal's eyes were still closed as Simon moved to kiss his way down his neck, tongue licking at the hollow of his throat before his mouth worked its way across the clavicle and then down, across Mal's chest. Simon allowed his eyes to fall closed once he felt the steady pressure of Mal's hands on his shoulders and he fell to his knees.

"Mal. Mal wait. We should go to my quarters." His hands, resting on Mal's waist, were clenching convulsively.

"Hush now," Mal murmured, his fingers undoing the last of the fastenings, "everyone is asleep."

"But…" even to his own ears it sounded more like a moan than an actual word.

"Hush. Now." It was the captain-voice, the once that never failed to get him hard even at the most inappropriate moments, and so he did.

Book had always enjoyed breakfast. Really it was that he enjoyed mornings but since there were no real mornings out in the black and since breakfast was a definitive part of morning, it simply ended up being that the Shepherd liked breakfast. Book usually cooked the 'morning' meal, with Kaylee or Wash occasionally coming to help. This morning, however, his help was waiting for him when he arrived.

"Good morning, child. Where's your brother?"

"Not a child, reached the age of consent on all Core worlds and on most of the border planets." River looked up from where she was fussing with mugs and plates and spoons. "Also," her head tilting in that way that meant you really should have figured it out by now, "it's not morning."

Book smiled and sighed, "I know. What do you mean on most of the border planets?"

She was too preoccupied with folding her napkins into elaborate animal shapes to look up, "Not all rim planets have an age of consent. You can't acquire a non-existent status. He's still asleep."

"Who's still asleep?" Mal's voice came booming across the room, "And since when do you set the table?"

Leaning over her two carefully set places, River's voice dropped to a conspiratory whisper. "It's a tea party Shepherd, but _he's_" jabbing her thumb in the Captain's direction, "not invited. And he's still asleep." Carefully adjusting the two mugs above the setting to her left, she nodded in satisfaction. Rising, she skipped over to the common area and flopped down onto the closest couch. "Wake me when the food is ready." She called, then rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Simon woke, as always, alone. Rubbing the grit out of his eyes, he gently swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood before stretching out his stiff muscles. Another night of Mal and sex and another morning feeling like he'd been run over by a freighter. He dressed slowly; donning a white shirt, as crisp as you could get them out here, and his ever present vest, then headed down to breakfast. It was not until he reached the kitchen that he realized now late he had slept. Only Book and River and, he sighed, Mal remained. Setting his jaw, Simon stepped into the room.

"'Morning son," the Shepherd called from the stove, "something to drink?"

"No!" River's voice snapped from the table, "I saved you a seat."

Simon nodded to Book with a smile, and sat down next to River. He pressed a kiss to her temple, "Thank you."

He raised his eyes towards Mal, "Good morning, Captain."

Mal didn't even look up from his plate of protein, "Yup."

"Here ge-ge." River gestured to the two mugs in front of Simon, "Drink."

Simon carefully tilted the mugs towards him so he could look inside before raising the one with blacker contents to his lips and grimacing, "It's a little cool."

"You were asleep." Her matter of fact voice faded away as Mal lifted his own mug to his lips.

"Hey Shepherd," Jayne's voice called from the corridor, "you comin'?"

"Well, if you will all excuse me, I believe that is my cue." He placed the last of his dishes into the water to soak before leaving.

"And I should finish organizing the infirmary," Simon added while standing, "I didn't get an opportunity to finish that last night. Are you coming mei-mei?"

She shook her head, hair flying wildly, "Going to play with Kaylee. You go."

He turned at the top of the steps, mug in hand, "Mei-mei, are you sure"

"Go!"

"Alright."

Slowly, River stood and began clearing the place she had set for Simon. She put his plate and cutlery into the sink, then picked up the remaining mug and calmly flung the lukewarm contents into Mal's face. He stormed to his feet, spluttering with rage.

"What in the gorram hell you think you're doing!"

She quietly held her ground against him and passed him a napkin when he came within arms reach. His anger was quickly damped at that gesture and he took a silent step back from her in case she tried something else crazy.

"Alright now, let's try that again. What was that for?"

"Simon doesn't like coffee. You have no idea what caffeine does to your nervous system. He's still asleep." Her eyes bored into him, "Deal with it."

Mal flopped back down on his chair as she walked away, absently wiping his face and mopping at his shirt with the napkin. "Hey!" he called to her retreating back, "deal with what?"

"Going to play with Kaylee now."

He was still staring off into space, trying to decipher River's order as Inara came in.

"Good morning Mal," she said smiling her picture perfect smile and glanced at his chest, "I'd offer to boil enough water for tea for you as well, but I see you've already taken care of that."

"Wha..?" He followed her gaze and then rather pointedly inhaled. Tea. "Yeah, I guess I did."

The day passed quickly. Simon took every single item out of his cupboards and drawers, dusted them out, and then replaced everything according to the probability that it would be needed sometime in the future. He was a man driven. Sometime in the afternoon a tap on the infirmary door drew his eyes up from the floor he was seriously considering scrubbing.

"You missed lunch son." The Shepherd placed a sandwich on the bench that sat against the wall.

"I'm not really that hungry Shepherd. Thank you though."

Book stepped forward into the room, noticing how very clean it looked but more importantly, how glassy Simon's eyes were and how they were flitting around the room almost as if they couldn't stay focused on one thing longer than a few seconds. Book sighed.

"Son, you need to stop. You need to rest. They body can only take so much, not to mention the mind."

Simon's back straightened ever so slightly and ever so obviously. "I know Shepherd. I am a doctor, remember?"

"You're tired Simon, and tired doctors make mistakes. They can harm both themselves and others. You need to sleep." He took a deep breath, "You have to tell him."

Simon laughed. A short, harsh laugh bordering on, to Book, what sounded like hysteria. "Tell him what Shepherd? Tell him what?"

Book reached out and gripped Simon's shoulder. "That's for you to decide, son." For a moment the boy looked like he was going to crumble into Book's arms but in the end he turned out of the older man's grip.

"Thank you for the lunch but you'll have to excuse me, I'm very busy."

Silently the Shepherd left.

Dinner that 'evening' was a quiet affair, not that Simon could tell. He was having so much trouble focusing on lifting his chopsticks to his mouth that he didn't even hear Zoe's question about any supplies he might be needing.

"Doc!" Mal's voice thundered painfully in Simon's tired ears.

"Yes?"

"You got a problem, son? Cause I don't need a medic who drifts off while there's work to be done."

Simon started at the captain in shock, just for a single moment. "No. I don't suppose you do." Very calmly he wiped his mouth with his napkin before carefully placing it on his plate and standing.

Mal sighed. "Sit down boy and finish your supper, don't make me make this into something its not."

Simon pushed back his chair roughly and stepped away from the table. "Don't worry Mal. I wouldn't ever make you do something you didn't want to."

Their eyes locked across the table and for an instant no one moved. Then, Simon slowly turned away and headed for the door. Mal's gaze dropped to his half empty plate, but flew up at the sound of Simon's polished shoes on the steps.

"Doc! Come back here." Simon kept walking. An almost ceremonial march, his back ramrod straight.

"Doc!" Mal came to his feet, his anger returning, and started after him, "Gorramit! Simon!"

Gracefully, River laid her hand on Jayne's arm. "He's still asleep," she told him sadly, "and he's still asleep."

Jayne stared at her small hand intently, as if it held the secret to decoding her words, then suddenly he realized where he was and who was touching him. He shrugged her hand off with a sniff and reached for his cup.

Simon was at the door to his room before Mal caught up with him. Mal reached out and gripped him by one shoulder, spinning him around, "Now look here, I don't know what your problem is son but…"

Simon roughly shoved him away, hands clenching and nostrils flaring, "I'm not a boy and I am not your son!"

Mal stared at him incredulously. He opened his mouth to speak but Simon didn't give him the chance. His fist caught Mal high on the cheek and the captain's head snapped back. The problem though, was that Simon forgot the first rule of a fight: if someone hits you, you hit them back. Mal's punch was better aimed and connected solidly with Simon's jaw; sending him stumbling back, his head slamming against the wall. Simon's head was reeling and his vision blurred.

"Is this really how you want this to go, Simon?"

Simon struggled to bring Mal into focus. His breath heavy, hands still clenched into fists, he was beautiful. And then he was kissing Simon, hungrily, needingly. One hand tearing at his vest, the other struggling to open the sliding door. Simon turned to open it but found himself trapped between the door and Mal. Mal's hands pinned Simon's wrists to the door, while he ground his erection into Simon's ass.

"Open the door." It was the captain-voice. Simon couldn't help but obey. They practically fell into the room, tearing at each others clothes, nails catching on soft skin leaving red gashes across chests and backs and hips. All the while mouths licking and sucking at each other. Simon's hands swept up Mal's chest and down over his back; gripping tightly as Mal took his erection into his hand, stroking up and down, teasing the head with his thumb. Simon shuddered under Mal's touch, his forehead falling onto the older mans shoulder as Simon's hand found Mal's hard cock.

"Tamade Simon. I want to feel your mouth on me." Lifting his head from Mal's shoulder, Simon kissed his lips and then fell to his knees. It was the most arrogantly graceful thing Mal had ever seen. Carefully taking the base of Mal's erection in his grasp, Simon smiled softly up at him before reaching out his tongue and circling it around the head. Mal's hands fell to Simon's shoulders and as Simon slowly took him into the wet heat of his mouth one hand slipped up Simon's neck to tangle into the slightly longer hair at the back of his head. Simon's head began to move up and down, taking Mal's cock in and out, his tongue teasing at the sensitive underside. Mal's hand tightened in Simon's hair and he began to thrust against those soft lips and further unto the smooth suction of his mouth. Though he didn't want to stop the pleasure Simon was giving him, Mal knew he had to.

"Simon. Simon stop." His breath was ragged and as Simon released him he was almost tempted to push back into the boy's mouth. "Come 'ere" he pulled Simon to his feet and, one hand still holding him by his hair, kissed him roughly, teeth clicking together in clumsiness. Mal walked Simon over to the bed, pushing him down before following himself. Simon began to roll over, positioning himself for Mal as he had done so many times before.

"No." Mal's voice was barely a whisper as he turned Simon over onto his back, "Tonight I want to see you." Once hand reached up to caress the side of Simon's face, the other wrapping gently around his cock "I want to watch."

Simon's eyes fell closed, then slowly reopened. He nodded, "Alright"

Mal began to work his hand up and down Simon's erection, twisting, spreading the small amount of fluid he found at the tip. Simon turned his face into the hand holding it and caught the thumb that had been caressing his cheek between his teeth, sucking it into his mouth.

Mal hissed as Simon jerked sharply under him, a small sound escaping his throat. "Yes, Simon." Mal increased his pace until Simon was thrusting uncontrollably up into his hands, his mouth half open, hands tangled in the rough sheets.

"Mal." His voice was ragged, "I want you in me."

"Not yet," Then, without even stopping to think, Mal lowered himself towards Simon's erection, taking it deeply into his mouth, sucking and stroking it with his tongue. He carefully worked one hand under Simon's body and gently pressed one finger into the younger man. Mal continued to work his finger in and out of Simon as his back arched off the bed, cock eagerly awaiting the descent of Mal's mouth over it. Mal could feel the tension building in Simon's hips and as Simon's hands came to rest on Mal's' head, hands pulling on his hair, Mal carefully pressed another finger into Simon, swirling his tongue over the head of Simon's cock while sucking him hard. Simon thrust roughly into Mal's mouth once, twice, and then with a low strangled moan, he came, Mal swallowing around him.

Slowly, Mal released him and moved up his body to tenderly kiss Simon's neck, his face, his closed eyes, before lying beside him. Simon' eyes fluttered open as he moved closer to Mal's body, his hand reaching down to stroke Mal.

"No, Simon."

Simon's eyes tightened and he hid his face in the crook of Mal's neck. "Why not?"

"Tonight was for you." Mal took a deep breath, "Sleep now, just sleep."

Simon managed to stay awake long enough to feel Mal press a soft kiss to his brow and hear his whispered words "You should let me to this to you." He was asleep before Mal slid the door closed behind him.

Mal slowly found his way back to the dinning room, to find Book sitting alone at the table with his Bible.

"How is the young doctor?" the note of accusation in Book's voice was unmistakable.

"He's asleep"

Book nodded, "Good."

Mal pressed a hand against suddenly weary eyes, "Shepherd, I…"

Again the Shepherd nodded, "I know."

Standing by the counter, Mal fiddled pointlessly with the pots on their hooks for a moment before turning back to Book. "Shepherd, I want to…" his voice trailed off. He cleared his throat roughly before starting again. "Shepherd, I want to confess."

Book carefully closed the Bible in front of him before looking back up at the captain. "I wish I could help you son, but I'm not that kind of…"

"I know." Mal cut him off briskly, "I know," his voice softened as his said it again, "but I need to."

Book regarded him for a moment then stood. He pulled another chair from the table and arranged it back to back with his own before reseating himself. Mal sat, back hunched over, "Thank you."

"Whenever you're ready, Malcolm."

Mal drew a shuddering breath, then straightened in his chair. He clumsily crossed himself with fingers long out of practice and then he told the Shepherd everything.

It was deep into Serenity's night by the time Mal made it back to the guest quarters. Just as he was about to slide Simon's door open River's voice came quietly from behind him. "He's asleep."

Mal spun around quickly, "Yeah, he is."

Her head cocked to the side and she smiled, "But you woke up. Good." She leaned forward then and placed her cool hand on Mal's cheek. "I forgive you father, though you have sinned." She then withdrew as silently as she had arrived.

Mal stared down the dimly lit corridor after her, "Go!" her voice floated back to him. He turned to Simon's door and slid it open.

Simon lay on his side, the blankets pulled up to his ears. Mal took off all his clothes and climbed into the small bed, gathering Simon into his arms.

"What're you doing?" Simon's voice was thick with sleep, "You don't stay."

"I do now." Mal pulled Simon tighter against him, "Go back to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

"Why?"

Mal sighed, "Simon, not now."

"Why Mal?" His voice was much more insistent this time.

"Don't get yourself all worked up now, you need your rest."

"Mal." It was the doctor-voice.

"I love you." Mal whispered, almost no sound at all coming out of his mouth.

Simon inhaled deeply and rolled onto his side, pulling Mal's arm over him, "I know."

They lay silently for a long time before Simon's voice drifted to Mal's ears, sounding like he was close to sleep again, "Love you too."

Mal hugged him close once more, and then drew the blankets up over the two of them, "I know."

FIN


End file.
